This is my story, oh this is my song...

I like to think I'm a simple girl. I'd like to really believe it. However, as that thought crosses my mind I laugh to myself. Me? Simple? No. Not in the slightest. I mean, is anyone really a simple person anyways? I don't think so. So many of us live our lives trying to be these easy-going, "long hair don't care" kind of people, and maybe it works for a little while. You can't please everyone though. Not for very long. "Count it a blessing if someone doesn't like you, that means you're doing something right." Right, that sounds like a fun time. I found this out the hard way.

I am a people-pleaser. Thankfully, I have toned down a TON over the past year or so. People who say they don't care if people like them are probably lying. Some people probably genuinely don't care, but for the most part I don't believe it's true. Everyone likes the feeling of knowing that they are liked, cared for, or loved. For such a long time I was addicted to the feeling of knowing that people genuinely liked me, liked hanging out with me, or at least tolerated me. Of course, I wouldn't admit to it back then. Eventually though, when I wasn't so easy-going and decided to have a back bone and stand up for what I really believed, I was mostly left alone. There will always be a few people who will always have my back no matter what, alongside my family, because they actually do care.

"The people who you love the most, hurt you the worst." We've all heard that before right? I have. A million times over. I convinced myself that hurt was just a part of "loving" someone. Now, I hate that I let people hurt me time and time again, because I decided I should stick around as long as possible because I "loved" them. Let me tell you something, that is crap. Hear me? Crap. Sure, everyone endures a little heartache in relationships worth having. No one will ever have a perfect relationship because we're a bunch of low-down, dirty, sinful human beings. I have come to find over the past 6-7 years that the more God you have in your life, and especially in your relationships, the less they suck. Seriously though, the times where I was on fire for God and really trying my best to live for him, I was a million times happier. I was doing what I really desired. But then I would let a boyfriend (or ex boyfriend) pull me back down. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. I was basically doing to God what those good-for-nothing relationships did to me. Which I knew, and I hated it.



"What kind of person are you? How could you take advantage of God's relationship and keep running away and going back like those idiots did to you?" I have said those things and much worse to myself over the years. So much so, that I decided if I was going to run away from God, I was going to stay away. I was going to do everything I wanted to do and not have a relationship with God. Of course, when it came to my family, or people who knew the real me, I didn't act like anything was wrong. (Insert people-pleaser mode) I acted like I was happy, like my relationship was wonderful. Not that anyone was really fooled, but they didn't make me feel like the scum of the earth for doing so either. I wasted 4 1/2 years off and on in a relationship that was doomed from the first day. One day, I woke up and realized I could have so much better in my life than I had then. I realized that I didn't have to feel stuck in this relationship anymore. I broke up with my boyfriend. I wasted too much time doing too many things I promised myself I would never do, all of which led me to a dark place in my life. Even after breaking up with my boyfriend, I was left with a wounded and broken heart.

Depression is not something many people like to talk about. We try to do our best to go on living our lives the best we can. If you make it out of bed in the morning, it might be a good day. But you can't control your thoughts. Most of which are destructive. Thankfully, I never did anything with my thoughts, I just drowned in them day in and day out and cried, cried a lot. When I finally said the words "I'm depressed" to my family, it made me feel a surprising amount better. I had a slight bit of my freedom back. But still, the scars on my heart were too much to get some light for very long. I had been emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by people who claimed to love me, I had drank far too often that it became a part of my lifestyle, I had lied so much to the people that really truly did love me, I had run far away from God, and I had destroyed my heart with everything I let settle in my life.

The beginning of this year, 2012, I decided it was time for a change. When I had made the decision to run from God, I promised myself if and when I went back, it would be for good. No more back and forth. All or nothing. Thankfully, God has PERFECT TIMING. Towards the end of 2011, a good friend of mine had been battling some heartache of their own for quite sometime too, and we texted back and forth for hours on end everyday. We didn't really talk about anything personal, just talked. It was so nice. We didn't have to put up a front. We had known each other for years, so we knew a good amount of the good and the bad about each other.

One day, in February I believe, they said something to me that helped me change. I can't even remember exactly what it was, but that Sunday I was in church for both services, and I haven't missed since. I changed my life. I ran TO God instead of away from him. The depression almost immediately was gone. I'm not saying I still didn't have some struggles, because I did, and still do sometimes because of past hurts. And slowly but surely, I have given all of those hurts and burdens to Jesus, who takes them in the palm of his hands and gets rid of them. He healed my heart. Then, when my heart was good and ready, He gave me the most wonderful and exciting surprise. That good friend of mine is now my amazing boyfriend, Jon Ross. When I say surprise, I'm not joking. We have known each other for years, been friends for so long, and I never dreamed we would be together and be so in love the way we are. The way I have always wanted and dreamt of. I never thought I would see the day that someone would truly love me and treat me the way I DESERVE to be treated. I always knew I had a lot of genuine love to give someone, but all I knew in the past was anything but genuine love. Now, I have found it. We both had to be made whole through Jesus, we had to let Him heal us and take away our pain. We had to run to Him, and He returned the favor.

I am unbelievably thankful for how my life is right now. I know that it will only continue to get better. So, if you're still reading this ridiculously long post, thank you for letting me share part of what makes me, Sara Layton. Most importantly, if you're reading this and you're struggling with ANYTHING, keep your chin up. Cry when you need to, but don't drown in your sadness. Talk to someone. Talk to me.  Life here on earth is short. Keep singing your own song, and make the best of it that you can.



1 John 4:18-19
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because He first loved us."